Paralysis by Urinalysis

doctor-with-urine-sample-via-shutterstock-615x345Paralysis by Urinalysis

If I fail a urine screen I am then discharged from treatment by my doctor.  This has become an all-too-common practice at many .. practices. Isn’t this ridiculous?  I mean, hypothetically, if I decided to go to an all night 70’s disco cocaine party and decided to partake (hypothetically) then I am in danger of losing the services of my orthopedic surgeon who is helping to mend my back after a near-paralyzing car accident?  Ridiculous.  A joint to help me sleep?  Say goodbye to my recovery from spinal injury.  Is there even a justification for this?  I will play devil’s advocate and try to defend the indefensible here.  Note:  Any position that isn’t mine is indefensible.

We can’t be providing opioid medications to patients who are themselves drug users.  There could be dangerous interactions and other irresponsible behavior that would cause them to harm themselves.  They would need a doctor.  They should be discharged from my (doctor) practice.

We have to test their urine frequently to be sure that we are not contributing to a patient’s drug problem or addiction issue for which they should be seeking professional help.  They would definitely need to see a doctor if they had an addiction problem.  These patients definitely should be discharged from my (doctor) practice.

By testing our patients’ urine, we can see who is a complicated patient so we can quickly discharge them from our practice, thus leaving us with the simple patients who quietly come and go, pay their bill on time, and allow us to pack in more patients (more money!)  Complicated patients take up too much time and cost us too much money (not to mention effort).  Money and effort should never be expended needlessly in our line of work.  Just tell them we can lose our license (an incredible irony when you consider that by KEEPING them as patients and TREATING their destructive tendencies by way of referrals or their addiction we would be acting MORE like doctors and thus be MORE worthy of our licenses) and keep having them make the walk of shame from bathroom to waiting room holding their leaking urine vials.  I became a doctor to get rich not to treat people who have unhealthy habits or dangerous behaviors.  Those people should go get their heads examined.  …by a doctor, I guess.  I’m confused.

Doing drugs is unhealthy although often a lot of fun.  If you choose to do something this stupid (awesome) then you should not be in danger of losing the services of a competent medical professional.  It should be noted, however, that if your doctor discharges you for failing a urinalysis, subjecting you to both withdrawal and the care that you deserve due to an injury or illness, the maybe your medical professional isn’t so competent after all…

I Don’t Believe In November

November is supposed to be the ninth month. “Nove” is rooted in latin and it means nine. I hate November even more because I was born in the ninth month. Yeah, I was born in September. So, henceforth, and so on: – , I was born in November. However, when I yell at people for saying happy birthday to me in SEPTEMBER, I AM THE BAD GUY? No way. F ‘dat homie. I was born in the ninth month. I was born in NOVEMBER! Why is my life so hard in this regard, it’s not like I’m crazy or another retard. I rhymed the last time, don’t you think that was sublime? If you sing these words with me we can feel childish and free. My dog is black and that’s not wack in fact I am okay with that. His name is Buckley and oh how I’d like to –

November is a fake month. Seriously. Don’t support it’s fallacy, or phallus in general. General Phallus want to see the Private. Oh my God, I’ve truly lost my mind. Please don’t read what you’ve already read. Thanks. I love you. I love Buckley too. He is cute.

Criss Angel – Magic For Dummies

Now that it’s Halloween, it’s time to expose myself to children when their yuppie parents are on their cell phones talking to their hairdressers about which color would most bring out the fading color of their eyes and disguise the fact that their face is looking more and more like a catcher’s mitt due to tanning daily at full radiation. Small children can then use my tushy as a standard that helps us all. “Hey, I have a tushy too!” There is no better feeling than to know that others share your most intimate traits. Remember the first time you saw another penis or vagina? When you were a kid and played games with them. Creepy stuff indeed, but all in all, it made us realize that we were not alone in what lurked beneath our clothes. Now, ironcally, I LOVe being alone with what’s under my clothes! How wild is that.

Segue: Criss Angel

Does anyone know why this guy isn’t passed over as just another David Copperfield / Blaine rip – off? Have’t we seen this before? Are we this desperate for more skater-looking guys for teenage girls to plaster all over their walls? He looks like a ferret with a tried-so-hard-to-look-like-I-didn’t-try-so-hard look. We’re blurring the line between men and women here friends. Don’t let this happen! Demand that men look like men. All men should look like they belong in either ZZ Top or AC/DC. If not, they should have a good reason why. A job is a good one. A knock-off of past magicians’ mojo isn’t a job, it’s a niche created by our pop poop petri dish infecting airwaves and brain cells. Final note: The dude lives in Vegas. I thought that what happened in Vegas STAYED in Vegas!!! STAY IN VEGAS you corporate Mr.Potato Head. They build you to be the new “Master of Illusion”. You just look silly man. Please reduce the primping and preening. Leave it for the ladies. Your show is cool though. I never saw it. Have you read my blog? Prob. not. So until you read my blog I won’t watch your show. AND if you read my blog, let’s do an interview so that NakedEric and his readers can understand the man behind the makeup.

I once saw him make a matchstick disappear. He then made it reappear somewhere else. That inspired me to head to the throne to drop some kids off at the pool.

To prove that I’m not the only one here, here’s a ditty from a site about the femme magic man.. Check out the site. I’m not making this up.


Hey Criss Angel….

The ball-less wonder, Criss Angel. Not only did he let everyone know that he was dating
Cameron Diaz by giving a ‘cryptic’ shout out mentioning the Shrek tour, which was tacky in it’s
own right, but turns out, he already had a WIFE at home. Turns out he left her for star-fuc*ing.

Man, grow some nuts, doode!.I’m Not The Only One With Something To Say About C.A.

-NE