Oh Oxycontin, You Make Me Feel So Itchy

I wonder many times about the ill effects of each and every illicit drug sold on street corners and internet sites.  Then I wonder the same about the ones that are prescribed to us.  I have a story I would like to share and I hope that it will inspire some of you to comment and share some similar experiences.  I won’t even lie, this story is about me, not some “friend” or nameless individual.

In 2001 I was riding home with my (then) girlfriend from a nice dinner in a waterfront town.  We obediently stopped at a bright red traffic light.  Then we saw bright lights behind us.  Those lights belonged to a drunk driver in an SUV who was, apparently, not so obedient towards the red light.

He collided full speed into us (who were at a dead stop – no pun)  the little Mistubishi was a mass of junk metal.  My mouth wasn’t working.  I was taken to the ER and they fixed my jaw which had been badly busted in the accident.  They referred me to an Oral Surgeon.

I went to the OS and he was super-de-duper-nice.  He examined me, prescribed physical therapy and gave me Endocet, a generic form of the celebrity Percocet.  The drugs eased my pain and I began to look forward to taking them each night.  Each morning.  At lunch.  Then when I was bored.  Needless to say, my “pain relief” got a bit out of hand.  I told the doctor what was happening and he said that, although they were addictive, if you wanted to stop, you’d feel like crap for a dy or so, then be back to tip-top shape in no time.  I was pleased.  He handed me another script.

And so it went until 2005.  This was the year that I became a strong believer in angels.  I was, again, passenger in a car headed down to South Jersey so we could help a friend move.  I was reading a magazine, then looked up to see a van with its hazards on STOPPED in the left lane of the NJ Turnpike.  What happened next I don’t know.  All I know is that I awoke in a furry haze of giddy numbness to a throng on onlookers asking “Is he dead?”  Soon I realized they meant me.  I was wrapped in metal and covered in blood.  A super Paramedic with a very concerned look on his face was stabilizing my head and trying to keep me from dying.  I haven’t told my family this, but I was resuscitated at the scene because I had no heartbeat.  I was dead for a bit.  Wild.

I came to and began a long rehabilitation process which involved consistent pain management.  the pain management clinic gave me more Percocet – the strongest one available.  I had to take it to stop the pain and be functional, after my teeth were all reconstructed – they were shattered in the accident.

Now comes the critical mass of where medicine can force and addiction on a patient and cause more harm than good.  I couldn’t go a day without my pills and if I ever ran out, Hell engulfed my body and ripped me to shreds from withdrawal.  Some catch-22, huh?  If I take the pills, I’ll feel fine but be a junkie.  If I don’t I’ll be a throbbing mess of pain and healing bones, herniated discs, etc.  I wouldn’t be able to live any semblance of a normal life.  Addiction was part of my treatment.

And such is the way of modern Pain Management.  I don’t question their integrity, but their tools are far too limited.  Percocet works great, but do you think we could take out the “strung-out-on-heroin” part?  I am a fan of technology and know that Lexus just released a car for idiots who can’t park for themselves.  It will parallel park for you.  If we can do that, can we work on a drug that won’t turn me from victim to junkie?

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“Kiss Me Honey, Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny”

I want to make a commercial.  Man, woman, picnic, sun, dog, tag, you’re it, and all of the other parts of an idyllic Summer’s day.  Laughing.  Food being inserted into cranial orifice.  Chewing, rolling on green fluffy grass and not a stain or meadow muffin to dampen the glorious horizontal pirouette.  Now with woman a distance away from rolling with such zeal, he turns to the camera and says,

“This may look like a picnic.  But when my doctor told me I had Penile Excrement Evanescence , there were to be no more picnics.

I was always wondering, ‘can they see?’  ‘does my wife worry when I am at work?’ or “Does my Chad smell like a hammer?”  It was not easy.

That is until my doctor told me about a new pill called Peninoscos.  Peninoscos lets me live the life I’ve always missed due to PEE (Penile Excrement Evanescence).   Now, in a wide range of flavors and potencies, Peninoscos had redefined our sex life.  No longer will my wife vomit on my nipples and tell the dog to lick it off.  She will not have to dig up a doody from the toilet in order to kill the smell of my penis.  Neighbors will stop calling the police to report a dead body only to find me and my wife naked holding a shit with the dog licking vomit off my nipples.  That can be quite embarrassing.

(wife finds a pogo stick and pogos into the dirt beside them, getting it stuck, falling off, and falling on the bottle of wine, smashing it and slicing her face, filling a wine glass with blood from her eviscerated noggin.  Man turns his head back to face the scene and excuses himself from the “interview sequence”.

Couple Scene Resumes)

Man dabs at her bloody wound with the picnic blanket when the wife says:

“Mark, I smell it again.  Did you –

(man cuts her off)

“No honey, I did not take my peninoscos.”

“Well take it so our picnic can be magical again!”

(man takes the pill and passionately kisses his wife)

“Kiss me honey, Kiss me where it smells funny”

Now a chorus sings the tag line as the commercial ends.  A passionate chorus repeats:

“Kiss me Honey, Kiss me where it smells funny.”

(Fade Out)

Voiceover: “Use only as directed”