Paralysis by Urinalysis

doctor-with-urine-sample-via-shutterstock-615x345Paralysis by Urinalysis

If I fail a urine screen I am then discharged from treatment by my doctor.  This has become an all-too-common practice at many .. practices. Isn’t this ridiculous?  I mean, hypothetically, if I decided to go to an all night 70’s disco cocaine party and decided to partake (hypothetically) then I am in danger of losing the services of my orthopedic surgeon who is helping to mend my back after a near-paralyzing car accident?  Ridiculous.  A joint to help me sleep?  Say goodbye to my recovery from spinal injury.  Is there even a justification for this?  I will play devil’s advocate and try to defend the indefensible here.  Note:  Any position that isn’t mine is indefensible.

We can’t be providing opioid medications to patients who are themselves drug users.  There could be dangerous interactions and other irresponsible behavior that would cause them to harm themselves.  They would need a doctor.  They should be discharged from my (doctor) practice.

We have to test their urine frequently to be sure that we are not contributing to a patient’s drug problem or addiction issue for which they should be seeking professional help.  They would definitely need to see a doctor if they had an addiction problem.  These patients definitely should be discharged from my (doctor) practice.

By testing our patients’ urine, we can see who is a complicated patient so we can quickly discharge them from our practice, thus leaving us with the simple patients who quietly come and go, pay their bill on time, and allow us to pack in more patients (more money!)  Complicated patients take up too much time and cost us too much money (not to mention effort).  Money and effort should never be expended needlessly in our line of work.  Just tell them we can lose our license (an incredible irony when you consider that by KEEPING them as patients and TREATING their destructive tendencies by way of referrals or their addiction we would be acting MORE like doctors and thus be MORE worthy of our licenses) and keep having them make the walk of shame from bathroom to waiting room holding their leaking urine vials.  I became a doctor to get rich not to treat people who have unhealthy habits or dangerous behaviors.  Those people should go get their heads examined.  …by a doctor, I guess.  I’m confused.

Doing drugs is unhealthy although often a lot of fun.  If you choose to do something this stupid (awesome) then you should not be in danger of losing the services of a competent medical professional.  It should be noted, however, that if your doctor discharges you for failing a urinalysis, subjecting you to both withdrawal and the care that you deserve due to an injury or illness, the maybe your medical professional isn’t so competent after all…

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From LA – Shooter Jennings and Stephen King Exclusive!

With just two short weeks until Shooter Jennings releases his masterpiece, Black Ribbons, I wanted to highlight the album’s narrator, Will O’ The Wisp. The character, voiced by acclaimed novelist Stephen King, is a late-night talk-radio host who painting an apocalyptic picture of what America could become in the not-so-distant future. Please share this info with your readers in anticipation of the album’s release on March 2nd.

“Tonight I’ve chosen to play the one band the American Fascicrats don’t want me to play. Tonight I’m going off the air with the music of Hierophant. For those of you not familiar, you’ll get a taste of Hierophant’s music tonight – their message, their light.”
-Will O’ The Wisp

The Black Ribbons album represents the last hour of Will O’ The Wisp’s final broadcast before the airwaves are overtaken by “government-approved and regulated transmissions.” In retaliation for his muzzling, he speaks his mind like never before, punctuating his rants with selections from the discography of Hierophant. Throughout the album’s 14 songs, Will O’ The Wisp offers his loyal listeners—from whom he is about to be permanently cut off—the unvarnished truth.

At its core, Black Ribbons, is a concept album about truth—searching for it, locating it, wrestling with it and eventually coming to terms with it. From the opening track (and lead single) “Wake Up!,” a pummeling psychotropic stomp that sets the album’s tone, to the synth-injected paranoiac anthem “When The Radio Goes Dead,” this elliptical narrative takes the listener on a harrowing, life-affirming and altogether rapturous journey.

With Black Ribbons, Shooter Jennings has created something true to himself, to his art and his beliefs. Sonically, it draws from Jennings’ disparate influences—the Beatles’ White Album, Skinny Puppy and Ministry to Lynyrd Skynyrd and Black Oak Arkansas. At the same time, it forms an intensely personal song cycle, as this young artist probes his own roiling psyche and the tumult of modern-day existence.

Shooter’s homemade Black Ribbons commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ktm5btMpU_w

Wake Up! Stream:
http://www.idesignprod.com/shooterjennings/audiostreams/WakeUp.asx

We’re Back! And In Need Of Serious Website Help (obviously)…

Ahhh. I am writing to you reborn. Reborn after a nightmare of domain stuff as we tried to upgrade to a “real” website addy and, in the process, losing touch with the very readers we tried to amaze as we grew up to be hosted as a non-wordpress dotcom. Well we realized that we like being here just fine and that the world of techno-babble and web hosting is not meant for the, well, anybody really. So, with that said, are there any techno freaks that want to help us grow into an appropriate new home? We have money!

So, yes there have been posts. In fact, a LOT has been going on! So we will be sharing with you all of the incredible new music and contests, giveaways, and so on. We have Lo-Pro and Nonpoint on tap for interviews. We’ll post their goodies next.

We love being back! We also love Hiromi Oshima. Here is a naked picture of her. She is so hot that I have little pains near my face when I see her. Like, near my eyes. Yeah. Oh, that’s the infection. OK. Shhh….

-MEPS

Hiromi Oshima Makes Japan Look Like an Island

I Thought I’d Share A Sample of the Email That Is Delivered to Students in Law School. Humor is Not a Required Course, You’ll See.

Dearest friends:

Muhammad Ali  once said, “Champions aren’t made in gyms.  Champions are made from something they have deep inside them—a desire, a dream, a vision.”  By extrapolating  Ali’s maxim, one thing becomes abundantly clear:  Rutgers Law will win the UVA Law Invitational Softball Tournament on April 9-11, 2010.  It’s a FACT.  I mean, look around you.  Everyone still has desire (… to get find a job before the REPO man comes rap-tap-tapping at your chamber door);  everyone still has a dream (… it’s called “Barrister’s Ball,” or, “Buddy Mixer with Cumberbunds”);  everyone still has vision (… or can regain it through successful Lasik surgery, natch).   Thus, despite our (read: MY) ill-fated workout regimens, we are the champions.

But it will be no bed of roses.

No pleasure cruise.

I know what some of you are asking yourselves (and yes, I hate this rhetoric device too):

1. “But Jorge, how do I get involved with the 2010 Intercontinental Co-Ed Softball Juggernaut that is Rutgers Law Softball?”  Simple, Bro Montana.  Fill out the attached registration form and bring a $30 non-refundable deposit to the UVA Softball Table in the atrium.  Or you may choose to fill out the form at the table.  We will start tabling regularly from next week through Thanksgiving break.  You must register before Thanksgiving break if you want to attend. The total cost of the trip will be about $100 ($70 after deposit) for new players and $75 ($45 after deposit) for returning players.  These prices are subject to change (read: D-to-the-rizzop) depending on our collective fundraising efforts.  This cost includes: a 2 day stay at the wonderful Days Inn of Charlottesville, VA; a mesh Rutgers Law Jersey; and tournament registration*.  We strongly encourage 1Ls to attend.  Get your briefs done a few days early because you DO NOT want to miss this trip.  I know that it’s a little pricey, but it’s easily the best event of the year.

2. “But George, I’m not that good at softball.”  Listen, chief.  This is a FUN-raiser.   Besides, every team needs some Miguel Cabrera.  Follow instructions above.

3. “No, but seriously Hore-hay, I don’t want to play softball.”   Well, if you’ve read this far into the e-mail despite not wanting to play, I want to let you in on two secrets.  (1) My name is Jorge.  (2) I want you to break out that scarlet war paint and come anyway.  Far too often we forget what the softball trip is about—making contact.  And I’m talking about more than ground-rule doubles.  In ten years, when we’re at the Bar (Association events) together we’re not going to look back and talk about how awesome that ALALS bake sale** was.   No.  We’re going to talk about how awesome it was when [REDACTED] totally [REDACTED] in [REDACTED]’s [REDACTED].

The gauntlet has been lain.  The fields have been reserved.  All that’s left is your participation.

For New Jersey.  For Rutgers.  For “the Gipper.”  Let’s make it happen.

With love and squalor,

Jorge Estrada
J.D. Candidate, 2010
Sent on behalf of the Rutgers Softball Team

Too Many Female Superheros (heroes?)

Chemically, the world has set up enough danger to mint a new bill.  If we were all heroes, there would have to be more than half women (lesbian shows,  duh!).  That brings me to my thingy:  Would we be able to make up that many female superhero names?  Help me as I try…

SuperWoman

WonderWoman

CatWoman

She-Ra

Murder Mermaid

Endless Menses

Bumpy Torso

Bitchinator

Hillary Clinton

Pink Devil

Scarbie

Rainbow Fright

Ninja Bitch

Perfumaniac

Bride of Damnation

Meat Hooker

June Cleaver!

Sister Sinister

Killy Ripa

Daughter Slaughter

Sister Dark Fang

Shiny Smells Nice Stabber

Hairdo Fire

Electric PMS

G-Spot A-Bomb

Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny ::clarification::

I have received concerned emails from readers.  Females, hopefully… who are aghast at the fact that there may be a part of nakedEric that smells “funny”. 

Here’s the rub (pun intended) – Does something funny (usually) make you smile?  Well, then say it this way as you listen to my hit single ‘Kiss Me Where it Smells Funny” – Think “Kiss Me Where it ‘makes you smile'”

By “funny” I didn’t mean “bad”.  Guys know what I mean.  Silly girls…

-NE