When I Said I Would Die For You (I Didn’t Mean You Could Kill Me)
For My Squirrel (to her utter disgust)
The world leans on an empty chair
I look for her everywhere, in faces and pastimes
I settle for less and curse her for the sting
Pain now issues forth from the wound regret
I am only now, years apart, ready to write, to think these word of truth:
Her soul is my heart and I have been dead since our final embrace
These hands that wipe tears once held her every night
These tired eyes once filled with her radiant light and her effortless beauty
I feel disconnected from these senses, like an interloper or
Startled tourist of Bethlehem saying,
“Wow, that happened here?
But this looks like nothing but a barren desert…”
Command of folly has been my forte
remixing nothing and tinctures of anesthetic blockade
I never got back on my feet after I crushed her with my self-destructive shadow
He assumed a passenger and blinded me with comfort to earn my attention
Undivided after cutting loose the woman who owns my heart
Now I am ruled by this rusted regime
I am trying to move, not to love. To live, not to exalt
Now I endure when with her I would enjoy
Now I get by when with her I would conquer
A lesson didn’t surface, ‘spite the old pomes, adages, and sages
No greater good was to come from my imprudent adherence to the shadows
I crush myself to think I once considered her anything but my destiny
A day in that life would be heaven to me now
Knowing she would smile at the thought of us and be there when I slept
I go crazy in the aftermath, this also-ran slice of a life that looks stellar from the out
I smile in grotesque amusement at the lengths I’ve gone to push away her beautiful face
Her beautiful emergence in my life as the towers fell was as sure a thing as I could tell
I am soaked with this jealousy for myself because I had her and she loved me
She really did and now I am grown up to see that I was so ungrown back then
So childlike to think that it was my heart that was broken
I know better now that what was broken was not my heart, but my soul
She wants to keep away and now lives in another land
Ice fills my chest as I realize that I actually agree and understand
Stay away. I hurt you too many times.
Though I know I would move heaven to have her here on Earth
Though I know I would be a perfect lover, the knowing is the spire
The tack of evidence, my tries to fool reason are a long-winded waste
A time to kill and no one better than myself for my pain, so hard to explain
Will keep me bleeding until the rusted shadow takes me home.
But I would miss her in Heaven
I would miss her in Hell, asleep, in chains or a throne
I would miss this woman in paradise and my forever will always know
That all I do and Those I love are merely ghosts as the eyes of my passion
Are always scanning the skies for
She, Always With My Heart.
Only she can rid my life of this monster
but she has much better things to do…
Spectator and Specimen
By Cody Peters
Bright light where every blemish ever suffered shone like a dark
ray from a broken star in heaven paints the canvas of twilight in another lonely moment
I am alone in this and words to a wordsman are futile messengers and vessels
As a rendering of this everything I seek to leak an account
Pain is a way that direction is delivered and courses corrected
In the hands of some it is a weapon wielded for reasons a spectrum can tell.
It is the most vile of nasty life parts, but second to only one subpart of pain
the worst suffering in the world is pain, but worse than that
I suffering pain with no clear genesis and
without a name.
The world floats in venom behind an illusory pane of glass
when I stray into nights made for sleepers I am joined by little terror goblins
because my mother told me that she was going to do suicide tonight
this happens a lot since father tried to exit the world by refusing medical help
as he slept in pools of perspiration and lost his mental staminaut
His braing inevitably exploded and the told you so gambit meets the
how could you do this to me ruse while what a tragedy is somewhat obscured
by other faces like a train station in Venice always going somewhere but you know better.
There is no name for the terror that has evolved into nameless suffering
I have had doctors shed a tear at my virus of a story
the collective docket of answers asks me the same question and it is
How can you endure? How do you soldier on?
I always smile because I remember the answer as it is supposed to be
and what it really is
It is supposed to be because I believe in a better tomorrow and do my best
but it is really something more childish and silly
I think that I have a unique opportunity to study, from the inside, the life of a man
who has been stricken with so many ills of life that it has become a curiosity to see
exactly how this will turn out and so the true impetus for my apparent strength
is childish curiosity and awe
I am simply amazed at how terrible my life is turning out
and awestruck by the complete absence of any fortunate turns or luck
I have made so many downward turns that I am now heading upwards
I am punch drunk and thrilled
Both as spectator and specimen.
I should be there for them, I moved home to support family while we endured tragedy
My mom told me she is going to kill herself tonight.
I am the cause of her suffering and disarray. I sleep too much and break too easily.
When Dee Ann Rothman suspended me from law school for stealing a phone I didn’t steal
(and actually own said phone myself – it’s identical!)
I collapsed, breathless on the black portion of the parking lot.
When they called for a paramedic I waited for my chance then lept into my car
I had to escape Newark. But the trauma was unbeatable. I began to cry so hard my throat hurt.
I could make it through law school for almost a year when my father was in a coma
But this whimsical charge by Dee Ann Rothman would collapse my house of cards.
I was not able to grip this grenade lobbed by the circumstance.
I was committed to NY Pres.
I was a danger to myself.
I broke and this time is was serious.
One month has passed and today mom told me that
She has “no idea” why I couldn’t continue taking classes and just appeal my suspension.
She told me that she and dad were shocked and disturbed by what had happened
Oh, and she wants to kill herself.
I asked her what I could have done better. She doesn’t know I was passed out and the throat crying stuff.
She thought it a challenge and yelled at me that she didn’t know and why should she always
Have to deal with this. Why did I do this? They can’t believe it. How could this happen?
(read: you’re obviously not telling us something because this is impossible. You know how
you can get.)
Back to verse, and in time for a sweeping muse to collect me and drive
since narrative pales in comparison to fun, I will put away and then I
and pick up my darker skies ripped into a cascading sunrise although part of it left unannounced
and without sufficient plain-clothes security to beckon day 2 of this riddle chain of disappointment
I am the cause
I sleep too much
I smile too much
I leave cups in weird places
I ate too much bread
I didn’t eat enough dinner and don’t know how much this costs and by the way owe mom and dad
70 thousand dollars for raising me – oh little things like helping me pay for books, my car, and lending a hand with those pesky doctor bills that were another luxury my parents afforded me which of course should be paid back with a generous 0 percent interest despite the fact that said debt goes back to 1992 when I was 14 years old and starting to become a real financial burden but lucky for me there was a benevolent bank of mom and dad to loan me the money I needed for all the luxuries in life and that they had a wonderful records system which would keep track of every dollar borrowed secretly until an opportunity came along to collect the money which of course is rightfully that of the parents because I ASKED to be BORN and asked to have a cold and well, the world is tough so you better get used to it, you’ve been a burden ever since you were born and here’s the bill son, here’s what it cost to raise you, here’s what you owe us for feeding you and clothing you and all those thing SPOILED children get because when I was a kid I walked everywhere and worked since I was a fetus and no one ever gave me anything but grief and that’s the way the world is and you have to just get used to it but get used to it after you pay us back 70 thousand dollars for being your parents then you can consider yourself current on the 17 year line of credit we have opened for you because we are good parents. Pay up. The money is compensation for injuries suffered in your jaws-of-life car accident? So what, we want our cut.
So what, we want our cut.
So what, we want our cut.
So what, we want our cut
So what, we want our cut
My mom is downstairs complaining to my father about me
I am a burden. I am broken. I am a failure.
I am the specimen
and the spectator.
You just don’t get better seats to a tragedy than this.
Aren’t you curious about how this will turn out?
Here’s a hint:
Someone is going to die
Just got word from Nonpoint Management. Who wants the contest? Exclusive content? Where are the Metal fans? The Nonpoint fans? Who likes “What a Day” and all the other genre-bending love that Nonpoint emits. Yes, they freaking emit… They’re that good…
Nonpoint is set to release a new album in early 2010, and while we have them in the studio, I wanted to see if you had requests for any exclusive content. We can set up an interview, video feature or whatever else you’d like to request.
And FYI, Nonpoint is also set to release an acoustic EP on December 8th. Cut The Cord will be released as digital only EP, and features past hits like “Victim” and “What A Day”. To support the release, the band will play 3 holiday shows:
12-Dec Madison, WI The Barry more Theater
26-Dec Ft. Lauderdale, FL Club Revolution
31-Dec Tempe, AZ Tempe Fiesta Bowl Block Party
NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR NONPOINT CHOPS?? CHECK OUT THE SICKNESS BELOW. THEN COME BACK AND POST YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT THE BAND. WE NEED SOME KILLER QUESTIONS AND STORIES LIKE WE DID WITH HURT, CANNES, KORN, MUNKY, HATEBREED, FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH, ETC.
Ahhh. I am writing to you reborn. Reborn after a nightmare of domain stuff as we tried to upgrade to a “real” website addy and, in the process, losing touch with the very readers we tried to amaze as we grew up to be hosted as a non-wordpress dotcom. Well we realized that we like being here just fine and that the world of techno-babble and web hosting is not meant for the, well, anybody really. So, with that said, are there any techno freaks that want to help us grow into an appropriate new home? We have money!
So, yes there have been posts. In fact, a LOT has been going on! So we will be sharing with you all of the incredible new music and contests, giveaways, and so on. We have Lo-Pro and Nonpoint on tap for interviews. We’ll post their goodies next.
We love being back! We also love Hiromi Oshima. Here is a naked picture of her. She is so hot that I have little pains near my face when I see her. Like, near my eyes. Yeah. Oh, that’s the infection. OK. Shhh….